She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
