I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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