My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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