Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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