Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's official drugs can't kill me
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
