You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
