i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
