Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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