I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
