Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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