Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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