Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
