Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
