Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
