Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you had me at cake vodka
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
