Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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