Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
