she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
