I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
