I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
