Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
