i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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