She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
