nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
