I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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