went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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