I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
