Can i not drive my cunt home
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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