My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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