I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
