I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.