i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
