I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.