My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
