My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
