Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
