This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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