Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
