Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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