you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
