Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
