I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
