it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
