it was like his penis was on wheels.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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