I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
