Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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