you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
