I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
