I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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