My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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