just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
