I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
