I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
