First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
