Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Four minutes until I can fart!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
