batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He is an equal opportunity slut.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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