I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
