i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
