my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
