Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
