tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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