My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
